I arrived on the 2nd of October 2014.
I had no hope nor any strength left in me. I had suffered for 40 years in silence, had no life left in me and didn’t want to live any more. I had used up all my energy to fight this ED. I was broken, physically and mentally.
Coming to Montrose was my last resort. I was terrified, as for years and years I had isolated myself. Only my children kept me going and having the toilet as my best friend. How sad was I?
Living with 15+ people under one roof was more than daunting.
My first morning at breakfast time I met the community. I was terrified. I had to eat the breakfast I was given. My heart was racing I couldn’t look any one in the eyes. I have never been so scared in my life. I struggled to finish my breakfast and all I wanted to do was run to the toilet to purge, but wasn’t allowed to get to the toilet. Panic stuck me like lightning.
During the first 8 weeks I really struggled. My tummy blew up after evening meal. My scars felt like they would burst open. As days went by, I made some friends but was still very shy and terribly insecure. I was told to straighten my back and hold my head up when talking in and out of group and lectures.
Every time I was told something to better myself I grabbed it and worked hard to better myself. The lectures grabbed me and I went along with them. I cried every time I had to say something in group in the first 2 weeks. But as days went by I started feeling better. I ate all my meals and learned to sit with the feeling of fullness. Around the 6th week it felt like a switch had turned in my brain, I was suddenly getting it. Slowly but surely, I was losing the “shame” and the “Victim”. I am a survivor from day one!
Over the weeks that followed I started to feel the fog lifting and felt so much better, healthier and happier. I’ve made huge progress more than I could have dreamed. I started to look more feminine, even learned to accept my scars. I see them now as jewels on my body. I am determined to stay on the right track.
I have huge plans for my future. Make up for lost time, help others, start a support group and maybe become a public speaker. I have learned so much from the book “I have life”. I am positive and stronger than ever. I have hope and courage. I can’t thank everyone at Montrose enough for all their support. I couldn’t have done it without you.
56 years old