When I was at home I always wanted to control everything especially my sister. When I was busy with other people then I did not have to focus on myself, on my own feelings. I always ate the same things at the same time and if I could not eat something else then I would be worried the whole day.
Also everything had to go my way. My whole day was planned and when there happened something spontaneous that was very difficult and upset me. My world was very small and I felt very unhappy. During the week I worked and every evening I sat in my room and I always went to bed early, because I was always tired. The only thing I enjoyed was my Saturday night out with my sister and two friends. The period before going out was difficult, because my friends all drank a lot and I couldn’t do that and I was always tired. But when we finally went out, I changed into another person. At that moment I forgot all my problems and just had fun. That is the person that I want to be.
Before I decided to come to Montrose, there were a lot of conversations. I didn’t want to go but my parents and sister wanted me to go otherwise I had to leave the house and my sister didn’t want to go out with me anymore. Then I realized that if I did not change, I would lose everything.
The Montrose treatment program was difficult. In the beginning I was very scared to become fat and I was scared of the food. Later, I accepted that it was not true. But being in a group was the hardest thing for me and I wanted to leave after one day. In the 8 weeks I spent here, I never opened up much about myself. I didn’t know what I felt, what I was thinking. The most important thing that I’ve learnt here is that my relationship with my sister was not healthy. I’ve learnt to see myself as my own person with my own needs and to live my own life. Also I learnt to recognize my ED voice and to be aware of it. I felt always that I was one person, that was the real me and I could not change that. But now I see there are definitely two persons in me. and that the person in me is stronger when you fight with your other voice which is very hard.
I’ve learnt a lot of tools that I can use. But also the people around you are very important. People who love you and support you. When I was at Montrose, I could let go of things because I was far away from home where all the control is. At Montrose, it is safe.
It was not much of a struggle at Montrose and that felt so special. The urge to control everything disappeared. It makes you feel more a real person; you can focus on yourself and not on others around you or with food, or your body.
It makes your life so much easier and you can live the life you want instead of living a life that feels like a prison.
23 years old